Hello everyone! I’m baaaack!
After a few months of haunting, soul-baring posts, I took a hiatus. Because frankly, I too was emotionally exhausted by reading me.
I felt like I said everything I needed to say with that format. And to go on would be equal to public self flagellation.
Recently, my brain’s got the itch again. But I wanted things to be different this time.
So here’s my promise of a tonal shift unlike anything you’ve seen before. At least here, that is. I want to be honest about the joy, and the pain.
In the past 8 months since we’ve spoke, my life has changed a lot.
I got to keep writing goofy sketches. I spent a wonderful year with my cat. I fell deeper in love with performing standup. I fell in love with someone and grew through it.
I had an internship I lost because I had spread myself thin, like butter over too much bread (a Bilbo Baggins quote and a fact about butter). I got a promotion at my other job. I wrote a lot (poems, jokes, short stories, MEMOIRS). I graduated college (existential dread intensifies!!!).
I got to perform in three comedy shows. One of them was an all female showcase I organized and claimed myself, on my birthday (my big thicc lady heart💖💞💜💫). I performed my poetry. I lost a poetry slam. I got rejected from countless journals (8?). My cat died.
I got my heart broken in a thousand different ways. And in so many ways, it was filled to the brim too.
In the words of Ariana Grande:
I’ve loved and I lost, but that’s not what I see
‘Cause look what I’ve found, ain’t no need for searching
And for that, I say, thank you, next.
So uh, yeah. Here I am.
Feeling dumber and greener than I ever felt in college. Yet somehow, more grounded and sure of myself than ever.
I still have a lot of questions. Like: how does one balance a budget? What’s a 401k? Do all dogs go to heaven?
So far the answers have been: a way to make sure your bank account doesn’t hit zero, money taken out of your paycheck you can touch when you “retire”, and yes, except chihuahuas– those bitches go straight to hell.
I’m still applying for lots of jobs.
Yes, I’m on LinkedIn and Indeed. Yes, I’ve followed up– no, I’m not yet a copywriter or production assistant or writer’s assistant. Yes, I have thought about teaching– it’s my backup plan when I’ve given up and I’m ready to get married and have kids. Same thing with grad school.
(Not that there’s anything wrong with either. Everyone’s “giving in” looks different. And I’m enormously grateful I’ve been able to live the life I live.)
For now I’m speaking what I want my life to look like into existence. I want vibrance and surprise. I want adventure through my discipline. I want to meet people that expand my horizons. I want to write as much as I can whenever I can.
So I’m embracing the zaniness and the unknown. These days, my life is like a giant question mark. Some days I can’t get out of bed. But some days I walk around with a poop-eating grin on my face. It’s about 60-40.
I used to be so filled with self loathing I couldn’t bear to show anyone a word I had written. Now, I bare my brain on a weekly basis. Whether that be on stage, or in workshop (sometimes the stage is the workshop, am I right ladies?). It’s the best exposure therapy I’ve ever tried.
And if there’s one lesson I’ve learned I know I can tell you all, it’s this: self loathing gets old after a while. There are better people to hate. And after a while, it gets dull being the only person standing in your way. Right now I’m learning to get out of my own.
Truth is, most of us will die with climate change as wealthy white men with their tenth pig heart fly out to colonize space.
So why should I live my life according to what others think is best for me? I’m the only one who knows that.
And following my own bizarre drum beat has been the most rewarding, self nurturing thing I’ve done in years. I might not ever be able to go back.
I know I’m going to create a life for myself I love. Because there’s nothing left to stand in my way anymore.
And I also know a year from now I’m gonna read this and wanna smack my head against a wall.
For all I didn’t know that I should, and for all I don’t know that I will.
But this is for right now– the world I’m learning to live in. And right now, I am 24, stupid, and doing my absolute best.
And it’s enough.
Anyways, I love you. I hope to tell you more in the future. For now, I’m signing off. Except on social media– there I’ll never leave.